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How to Help a Friend who has Thoughts of Suicide

One of the most frightening and upsetting experiences a person can encounter is hearing a friend or loved one say he or she wants to die. Even though such an experience can bring up many difficult questions and concerns, there are steps you can take and information you can learn that may help reduce the risk of someone you care about from seriously harming him/herself. Indeed, given that depression is fairly common among college students, it is important to know what you can do to identify and help a friend in crisis.
  • It is a myth that there is nothing you can do to stop someone who is contemplating suicide. Most crisis situations that lead to suicidal thoughts are time-limited and are accompanied by symptoms of severe depression, such as distorted thinking and extreme emotional distress. A person experiencing marked pain and distress may view suicide as the only way to escape his/her pain. However, simply letting a suicidal friend know that help is available can be the first step through this very difficult time.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask your friend directly if he or she is having thoughts of suicide. It is a myth that you will be putting ideas into his or her head by asking. Your friend's response will provide you with important information on how best to proceed in helping him or her.
  • Do not be afraid to ask others for help: you do not have to handle this alone. For example, you can encourage your friend to seek support and/or counseling, confide in a Residential Life staff member of dean, or call CPS for guidance about how best to intervene. If you think that your friend could be at risk of serious harm to him/herself or someone else, you should call Campus Security where a professional staff member will be available to assist you 24 hours a day.
Although some suicides occur without warning, most people at risk of hurting themselves show some signs of distress to the people around them. Below you will find some common warning signs that someone you know may be contemplating suicide:
  • Loss of interest in and/or withdrawal from social activities or friends
  • Participating in social activities but seeming "different" somehow - quieter or more withdrawn
  • Preferring to be alone most of the time
  • Changes in appetite (too little or too much)
  • Changes in sleep (too little or too much)
  • Fatigue or decreased energy
  • Sudden decline in academic motivation or performance
  • Difficulty focusing or concentrating
  • Sudden changes in mood
  • Expression of intense feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, sadness, anger, and/or guilt
  • Sudden neglect of personal hygiene and/or appearance
  • Engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors, such as increased use of drugs and/or alcohol, driving while intoxicated, walking out into traffic, or cutting oneself
  • Other impulsive or aggressive behaviors
  • Preoccupation with death or violence
  • Experiencing a recent crisis such as a major loss, failure, or rejection
  • Unhealthy or unstable interpersonal relationships
  • Difficulty adjusting to one’s gender identity
  • Struggles with identity in general
  • Previous suicide attempts or a family history of suicide attempts
A friend or loved one may be in need of immediate help if he or she shows signs of:
  • Writing or talking about suicide or death
  • Giving away personally meaningful possessions to close others
  • Securing a means of hurting him/herself (such as a weapon or prescription drugs)
  • Saying statements such as:
    • "I just don’t want to live anymore.”
    • “I can’t take this much longer.”
    • “I’m going to end it all.”
    • “I wish I were dead.”
    • “My life has no meaning.”
    • “They’d be better off without me.”
    • “Soon you won’t have to worry about me.”
    • “Nobody would care if I were dead.”
    • “I can’t go on anymore.”
    • “My life isn’t worth living.”
If you notice any of these warning signs in a friend or loved one, know that there are things you can do to help minimize his or her risk of causing serious self-harm. Here are some tips that can help you through a crisis situation:
  • There is no “right” or “wrong” thing to say to your friend if you are speaking openly out of sincere love and concern. Show the person you care by sitting with him or her and offering an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.
  • Be non-judgmental, sensitive, patient, and accepting of anything your friend says to you. Show that you are willing to simply be there and listen. Show him or her that it is safe to talk to you. Your genuine concern for your friend’s safety and well-being will be come across naturally.
  • Don’t try to “make it all better” by offering quick and easy suggestions to solve your friend’s problems, because you run the risk of minimizing your friend’s feelings. It is important for your friend to candidly express how he or she thinks and feels about the problems he or she is facing. Instead of trying to rationalize with your friend, empathize with what they are going through without making judgments about how they feel.
  • Take every suicidal idea, threat, plan, or attempt very seriously. Do not hesitate to contact an authority (such as an RA) or professional (such as CPS staff) who is trained to help in emergency situations. Also, do not leave your friend alone until professional assistance has arrived.
  • Do not agree to keep your friend's suicidal thoughts a secret. It is true that seeking help for a friend can sometimes feel like a betrayal. You may even fear losing your friendship. Remember -- you run the risk of losing the friendship forever if you do not do something to help. While your friend may not appreciate your actions now, he or she will be grateful for them after the crisis has passed.
  • Coping with a friend’s threat of suicide can be extremely stressful and upsetting. You don’t have to go through it alone. Seek help for yourself as you come to terms with what has happened. Talk about your experience with a trustworthy parent, friend, pastor, or clinical professional. You can contact Fordham University’s Counseling and Psychological Services at (718) 817-3725 or (212) 636-6225 to schedule an appointment or a walk-in.
  • References

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