Online Tutoring Samples
Writing sample #1
Howard Dell
ENEU-1240
Professor Smith
September 11, 2002
Midsummer Lovin'
Love is a many splendid thing. However, love is also many complicated thing. Shakespeare tackles the convoluted nature of love and relationships in his whimsical play "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Shakespeare beautifully relates the tales of lovers and their respective confusing relationships. One such relationship is that of Hermia and Lyasander. In their turbulent relationship we see how truly complicated love can be.
The conflict within Hermia and Lysander's relationship arises when Hermia's father, Egeus, chooses Demetrius as the husband of his daughter. Hermia must wed Demetrius or face death or becoming a nun. However, Hermia is madly in love with Lysander, and struggles with deciding what to do. In Act I.i l. 134-178 Hermia and Lysander express their love while discussing the tragic nature of love and decide how to handle their situation.
Lysander begins this passage by commenting that, "The course of true love never did run smooth" (l 134). Shakespeare initially sets up the idea that love is crazy and most often never occurs easily through Lysander's statement. Following this statement, the lovers give examples why love is often ill fated and oh so complicated. Hermia suggests that some lovers are "too high to be enthralled to low." Then Lysander responds that lovers could be "misgraffed in respect of years." These disparaging comments go on for a bit more, and it appears the star-crossed lovers are doomed. But the lovers soon become resigned to making their love work out. Lysander decides that the two should marry on his aunt's property. His aunt is a wealthy widow woman and lives outside of Athens and Athenian law. Thus, the lovers are able to find a way to conquer the forces that stand in their way and have an opportunity to see their love reach fruition.
And what a love these two young lovebirds share. The reader can see and feel evidence from this by the way in which the lovers speak and the way in which Shakespeare structures the dialogue. When Hermia and Lysander are first discussing the trials and tribulations that befall most lovers there is a distinct pattern in their speech. Hermia and Lysander alternate lines in which they comment on fate and destiny as it affects love. Hermia expresses an expletive "O" as she begins each of her statements, while Lysander begins each line with an "Or." In these first succinct remarks there is beat as the lovers passionately expound on their unfortunate state. There is a sense of longing and needing apparent with the lovers.
Later in this passage, Shakespeare has Hermia express her deep love for Lysander in a most beautiful fashion. She vows by all that is representative of love that she will meet with Lysander. In addition, starting at line 171, Shakespeare writes Hermia's lines in a rhyming manner. This definitely sets the romantic mood well as Hermia poetically expresses her love and devotion to Lysander.
Within this passage too, we can see a good deal of beautiful imagery. By speaking of "Cupid's strongest bow" we are given a beautiful image of her love. Her love is again evident by the allusion to Venus and her doves. Furthermore, her deep, unquestionable love is most apparent when she mentions such figures as the Carthage queen Dido and the Trojans. Lysander too uses vivid imagery as well to express himself earlier in the passage. When commenting on how fleeting love is he uses images of shadows, dreams, and lightning to make concrete his view on love. Especially effective is his statement that, "The jaws of darkness do devour it (love) up:
So quick bright things come to confusion" (l 148-149).
It appears that love is in dismal state until he offers a glimmer of hope a few lines down.
Yes, love looks bleak for many people sometimes, not only the lovers in this play. However, Shakespeare shows us that anything is possible especially with magical fairies around.
Tutor response:
Dear Howard,
You have some very good ideas here, as well as some perceptive observations. However, your ideas are not set up and supported quite as well as they could be. There are several reasons for this, but the central problem, I think, is that you are not being quite specific enough.
1. It would really help if you told the reader, in your first paragraph, what you plan to discuss. What is your argument? What point are you trying to bring across about the play? It seems you want to argue that in A Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare demonstrates the splendor as well as the complications of love. If this is your point, or even if it isn't, you need to state your argument clearly to guide the reader through the rest of the essay.
2. Some of the words you use are vague; they don't really get your point across. For example, when you say that Shakespeare beautifully relates the tale, I don't really know what you mean. Beautiful how? What makes you think it is beautiful? You say there is beautiful imagery. What imagery is beautiful? What about it do you find beautiful? The same idea applies to section, on your second page, where you mention the distinct pattern in the dialogue between Lysander and Hermia - you go on to demonstrate the pattern. Can you combine your idea that there is a pattern with your description of the actual pattern?.
3. You say that Hermia and Lysander's "turbulent relationship" shows us "how truly complicated love can be." OK. That's good. You also provide some quotes that may help bring this point across. However, you do not utilize your quotes to your full advantage. What does this conversation between Lysander and Hermia communicate to the reader? What does it say about their relationship? About love in the play? Does it support your thesis? What about the other lovers in the play? Is their love as splendid and complicated?
If you want further elaboration, please come visit us in person, thank you.
Writing sample #2:
Ginny Diller
Close Reading/Critical Writing
February 21, 2002
In Marge Piercy's poem " Barbie Doll," she exposes the stereotype that society imposes on women. Women are burdened with the pressure of having to be perfect in every way. The desire for acceptance affects women on every level of their health: mentally, emotionally, socially, and physically.
Society expects females from the time they are born to act like ladies. According to society, a lady is one that acts bashful and innocent, exercises and maintains a perfect weight, and smiles at all times. Females are presented with toys at a young age. The toys contain hidden messages to prepare them for their lives as women. The dolls that do pee-pee prepare little girls to take care of children when they are married. The GE stoves and iron develop in them a desire for cooking and cleaning. The play makeup, Barbie dolls, and costume clothes and jewelry instill in us a desire to look beautiful.
Society's idea to be beautiful isto be nothing less than perfect. To lack perfection is not acceptable; therefore we too come to see what society sees in us as ugly. The desire to be accepted destroys our self-perception. We do whatever it takes to discard what society views as displeasing. We lose sight of our true beauty. When we change ourselves to live up to society's expectation of us, we either are at peace or we continue to see what others made fun of. In the poem, " a classmate said: You have a great big nose and thick legs."
In the fourth stanza of " Barbie Doll", the casket represents her mental, emotional, and physical state now that she is perfected. Because she grew tiresome of rejection, she had a beautiful nose and legs replace her actual ones. Now, she does not have to listen to any more taunts. She is at peace with society and herself, yet she is emotionally and mentally dead. She has destroyed who she is as an individual. The casket could also mean that she is physically dead. She committed suicide by cutting off her nose and legs. She rejected her nose and legs immensely because they did not live up to the ideals of society. Her life is fulfilled now that she looks pretty even though the cost was her life.
In some cases, fulfillment is not always the ending. As a child, my best friend Dana was limited in what she ate. Her mother said if she ate too much, she would get fat. She thought that her parents divorce was her fault. Her mother blamed her for messing up her life. Her mother has Multiple Sclerosis. Dealing with pressures at home was enough, but to also deal with academic performance, social pressures and puberty overwhelmed her. Changing mentally, physically, and emotionally, Dana hated her body. She thought of herself as a fat and ugly short girl. She saw beauty as it is depicted in the entertainment industry and advertising. She thought that to be popular and be accepted you have to beautiful. She began to spend countless hours in the bathroom after meals. Weight loss followed, as did dehydration. Being only 55 pounds, her body could not take it anymore. One day during the first week of freshman year in high school, my best friend became too weak to move and her pulse was weak. She was rushed to the hospital where they discovered her secret yet they could do nothing because she denied it. Fear that people would find out and make fun of her, she kept her illness a secret. She didn't want her friends to abandon her or to think she was different. As time went on, she was so scared that she was going to die, she had to tell someone to help her. She began treatment for bipolar disorder and anorexia as well as counseling. Today, she continues to suffer from this disease and fights it everyday.
Women should not care about what society thinks, because no matter how they go about pleasing society, the outcome will be dramatic. The woman in the poem "Barbie Doll" grew exhausted from being rejected that she cut off her nose and legs. Dana became fatigued with trying to be the ideal woman. Scared of dying, Dana sought help to take control over her life. It was too late for Barbie Doll, but Dana is working toward accepting herself for who she is- a human being.
Bibliography
Piercy, Marge. "Barbie Doll."
Tutor response:
Ginny,
General Summary of Content:
It seems as though you are trying to explain the tension between society's view of women and a female's personal view of her body. Using a personal situation to reflect upon or even expand the poem's meaning nicely suggests the relevance of this poem. Your approach to the poem is very interesting and has the potential to produce a very rich paper. However, you do not offer the reader a step-by-step analysis and when attempting to convince readers of your argument, especially about a poem, detail is key. For example, the major problem is that many of your sentences seem to be final ideas about the poem. You do not really show how you come to your very insightful conclusions. Also, the lack of transitional sentences to relate topics (i.e. the poem and Dana's situation) make some explanations unclear. Below are some suggestions for strengthening the paper:
Paragraph 1:
You immediately address the main topic of the poem, which is good because it establishes a context for the paper. Generally, the sentences are grammatically correct. Since different societies have different views on women, however, it would be more effective to name the society you are referring to. Therefore, the society implied becomes explicit. Also, by stating how women are deeply affected declares the importance of such a poem. However, you do not need the phrase "of their health" because the following series of words are enough to explain the extent to which women are affected. Once you have corrected the parts about the poem, you must connect it all to Dana's situation. Because a major part of your paper, including the last sentence, compares your best friend and the poem, you should set this up in the introduction.
Paragraph 2:
You discuss great examples of how "society" programs women to act in a certain way. The question to ask here is "What do you mean when you say "act like ladies"? I think you should add a word that defines this view of women (i.e. traditional). Also, be careful in using appropriate language especially in the sentence that begins "The dolls that do pee-pee...,"
Pragraph 3:
Define what you mean by "perfect". One clue is to look at the sentence in the previous paragraph. It contains a list of society's requirements for beauty. Use these elements to create a transitional topic sentence for the third paragraph. Also, the second sentence contains a semi-colon and a semi-colon connects clauses that are closely related. How do the two parts of the second sentence relate to each other? In the second to last sentence you end with a preposition ( "of" ), but a preposition comes before a noun or pronoun and describes a word earlier in the sentence. For example, "Variety is the spice of Life" . The prepositional phrase "of life" asks the questions "Which spice?" or "What kind of spice?" Use this as a model to help you use your prepositin more effectively. The quotation in the last sentence accurately summarizes the main point of the paragraph but you randomly introduce it. You should explain the quote because it is crucial to understanding the dangers of stereotyping women.
Paragraph 4:
Clarify your subjects and allow the subjects to perform the action so that your sentences are stronger. For example, in the clause "she had a beautiful nose and legs replace her actual ones" you give the power to the nose and legs and not to the person. (same for setence that begins "She rejected her nose and legs...") Whenever, you write an essay on literature you should think in literal terms.
Paragraph 5:
In the first sentence, you seem to address the poem's limited solutions to the problem but the wording is unclear. Think about the words "fulfillment" and "ending" and how you want to use them in relation to Dana's dilemma. Make sure your pronouns refer to the right nouns. In the sentence, "Her mother blamed her for messing up her life?, whose life are you referring to? In addition, how does her mother's illness complicate matters? Also, the sentence "She thought of herself as a fat and ugly short girl" provides vivid detail into the psychological trauma that Dana experienced. It is difficult to read, however, because of the way you combined the adjectives. You already realize that these adjectives can be joined with "and," which makes them coordinate adjectives. Now you can make the sentence more compact by replacing and with commas.
Paragraph 6:
In this paragraph, you begin by making a strong assumption about the outcomes for women in a society that judges them so closely. You offer a false dilemma which means you suggest that one must choose between a limited number of options, when other choices exist(i.e. "America: love it or leave it!") One way to improve the first sentence is to explain how the objective should not be to please society but to satisfy oneself.
Thank you for putting your trust in the Writing Center and I hope my suggestions are helpful. If you need further assistance, please feel free to visit the Writing Center during regular business hours.
